Zatyricon Lyrics

Hello, can I help you?
Yeah, do you do fat grafting?
Yes.
Oh great. I had a tail put on by Dr. Gordon.
OK.
And I want to have some fat grafted onto it. I want to
thick it up.
You have some fat where?
Well, I have a tail attached to my spine and I want to
thicken it up. I want it to be bigger.
Oh.
Would that be the botox injection? Or would that be the
fat grafting?
OK, hold on a second. I don't think you have the right
person.
OK, no problem.

Thanks for holding. May I help you?
Hi, yeah. I had a tail put on about 4 years ago,
attached to my spine and I've got some hair growing on
it that I need to get...
Well, come and get rid of it!
That's why I'm calling you! Can I come in tonight?
Actually, you can come in for a consultation. Let me
tell you how we work here.
OK, please.
Sure. First of all, one session is not going to get rid
of your hair. That's because hair grows in three
phases. All human bodies need at least three sessions
of laser treatment. And I say "at least" because if
you're talking about let's say your beard, you may need
up to eight.
Well, this is my tail.
Right, so then you obviously will need less. But I just
want to educate you about, you know, different body
parts.
Right.
So depending on the amount of hair you have, it will
tell you how many sessions you will need.
But here is the best part of how we work.
What's that?
We offer you different types of enrollment. So if,
let's say, we quote you a price... let's say, fifty
dollars. You can pay as you go, every time you come in,
fifty dollars. Or if you pay for three sessions up
front, we will give you two complementary sessions. And
that's our way of guaranteeing that your hair won't
come back. Because we definitely don't want to see you
five times for the same area. We try to give you the
type of treatment that's gonna be effective. So if we
do see you, hopefully it will be for a different body
part.
[phone is ringing.]
Do you need to get the other line?
Umm, no, let's let it go. I'm fascinated by what you're
saying. [snort]
OK, so this is what we do here. You come in, you watch a five-minute video, because we like our patients to be
astute about what they're getting into. We do guarantee
the lowest price, that the machine we use is the latest
technology in the market today for hair removal. And we
basically take a deposit from you because without the
deposit we cannot book the time of the machine for your
use.
OK.
And that's how we work.
That sounds great. I see here upper lip is 29 dollars,
underarm is $39, bikini line $49, arm $119.
Yep.
How much for a tail?
Umm, it really depends. It really depends. It really...
It's about four feet long.
Four feet?
Yeah.
OK. You're talking about your head, right? Your head
tail?
No. I have a tail attached to my spine.
A tail attached to your spine? On the lower spine?
Yeah.
And that was because of a surgery?
Yeah.
I see. And uh, ok, when you say four feet. . .four feet
is the length of your hair?
No, it's the length of my tail.
Wow. That's a long tail.

And you guys just do laser hair removal?
No, actually we do microderm abrasion. We do lazer
resurfacing. We do body contouring with endymology.
Do you do botox injections?

I'm a semi-amateur bodybuilder and weightlifter.
Then you should do your whole chest, your back, your
legs!
Well, I want my face just to look like, you know, like,
like care, you know.
I know what you mean.

Let me tell you how it works. They take a virus, they
beat it up with a hammer, literally. OK, they make you
weak, then they inject that weak virus into your
muscle. Botulism virus causes paralysis, ok? So it
basically temporarily paralyzes a muscle. Usually
facial muscles, whatever.
Right.
Well, here's what happens. The body's normal reaction
to a traditional virus is antibody release. OK, so now
antibodies are going to come up to fight this virus.
You know what? I don't have time for this. I'm not
wasting time here.

OK, I'm a semi-amateur weightlifter and I've got a
competition coming out. And I don't know what the hell
I'm gonna do. I look like an idiot. She injected the
botox into my face and it completely killed my face.

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