Smoke Lyrics

I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day,
ok. And I am never f*cking quitting! I don't care how
many laws they make. What's the law now? You can only
smoke in your apartment, under a blanket, with all the
lights out? Is that the rule now, huh?! The cops are
outside, "We know you have the cigarettes. Come out of
the house with the cigarettes above your head." "You'll
never get me copper! I'm never coming out, you hear? I
got a cigarette machine right here in my bedroom.
Yeah!"

Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get one of those
tracheotomies. So I can smoke two cigarettes at the
same time. I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies all the way
around my neck. I'll be Tracheotomie Man! "He can smoke
a pack at a time! He's Tracheotomie Man!"

I'm looking forward to cancer, man. I want that throat
cancer. That's the best kind. You know why? You get
that throat cancer, you get that voice box thing. Know
what I'm talking about? ..[Talking as if has a voice
box].. Sure it's scary, but you can make a lot of money
with a voice box. Get a voice box, walking around the
streets of Manhattan, "[VB] You got any spare change?"
"Ahhh!! Here's my whole wallet, get away from me! Ahh!"

Imagine a whole family with voice boxes. That'd be
creepy, wouldn't it? They'd be out in that backyard
everyday during the summer. "[VB] Dad, can we go to the
beach?" "[VB] Yes, get your mother and the dog. We'll
leave right now. Sparky, come here." "[VB] Arf Arf Arf
Arf Arf Arf Arf" Ahhhh!!

Or the ultimate irony. A guy with a voice box pulling
up to the drive through window at McDonald's. That has
to suck, huh? "Can I help you?" "[VB] Big Mac and a
large order of fries." "Stop making fun of me." "[VB]
I'm not making fun of you." "I'm getting the manager."
"[VB] Get the f*cking manager, I don't care."

I can remember a time in this country when men were
proud to get cancer, God dammit! When it was a sign of
manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice. Second time, they
took out one of his lungs. He said, "Take 'em both! Cuz
I don't f*ckin' need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe
like a fish!"

Babe Ruth, greatest baseball player to ever play the
game. He had a voic box. He was the first American to
have a voice box. Yeah! "[VB] This is Babe Ruth, the
Sultan of Swat, the Bambino, I smoke twenty-five God
damn cuban cigars a day. I had meat for breakfast,
lunch, and dinner. I f*cked eighteen prostitutes a
night! 'course, I'm dead now. I'm up here in heaven.
Lou Gehrig is up here with me. God love Lou Gehrig.
Jesus Christ, poor Lou Gehrig. Died of Lou Gehrig's
disease. How the hell did he not see that coming? You
know. We used to tell him, Lou, there's a disease with
your name all over it, pal! There ain't no Babe Ruth
disease, I'll tell you that much right now. Have a hot dog and a Hummer. Go ahead, it's on me."

I don't know. Personally, I think Billy Martin said it
best when he said, "Hey! I can drive!" Because we tried
to be nice to you non-smokers. We f*cking tried. Okay?
You wanted your own sections in the restaurants. We
gave you that, huh. But that wasn't enough for you.
Then you wanted the airplanes. We gave you the whole
God damn plane! You happy now? You own the f*cking
plane! I'd like an explanation about that one folks
because I will guarantee you if the plane is going
down, the first announcement you're gonna hear is,
"Folks, this is your Captain speaking. Look, uhm, light
'em up, 'cause we're going down, okay. I got a carton
of Camels non-filters, I'll see you on the ground. Take
it easy." Actually, it'd be more like this, "[VB] This
is your Captain speaking. Smoke 'em if ya got 'em. Rrrr
Rrrr"

The filters the best part. That's where they put the
heroine. Only us real good smokers know that f*cking
secret. Yeah, we tried to be nice to you non-smokers.
We tried. But you just f*cking badger us, you know? You
won't leave us alone! You got all your little speeches
you're always giving to us. All these little facts that
you dig out of a newspaper or pamphlet and you store
that little nugget in your little f*cking head, and we
light up and you spew 'em out at us, don't ya? I love
these little facts. "Well you know. Smoking takes ten
years off your life." Well it's the ten worst years,
isn't it folks? It's the ones at the end! It's the
wheelchair kidney dialysis f*cking years. You can have
those years! We don't want 'em, alright!? And I
guarantee if I'm still alive, I'll be smoking then.
I'll be in my wheelchair, with my adult diapers on and
my twenty-five year old non- smoking born again
christian son behind me. I'll be going, "Hey! Make sure
you wipe this time. I was itching all week for Christ's
sake! And get me some more wippets. I'm almost out, you
f*cking p*ssy! Come on!"

Because you're always telling us, "You know, ever
cigarette takes six minutes off your life. If you quit
now you can live an extra ten years. If you quit now,
you can live an extra twenty years." Hey, I got two
words for you, ok. Jim Fix. Remember Jim Fix? The big
famous jogging guy? Jogged fifteen miles a day. Did a
jogging book. Did a jogging video. Dropped out of a
heart attack when? When he was f*cking jogging, that's
when! What do you wanna bet it was two smokers who
found the body the next morning and went, "Hey! That's
Jim Fix, isn't it?" "Wow, what a f*cking tragedy. Come
on, lets go buy some buds."

It's always the yogurt sprout eating mother f*ckers who
get run over buy a bus drive by a guy who smokes three
and a half packs a day. "Sorry officer, I didn't see
him. I was too busy smoking!"

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