12 Inch Penis Lyrics

There I was crossing the pond and you could say that I
wasn't exactly fond of all the shit I was wearing on
that day
Now the F-16 is cramped enough but it's even worse with
all that stuff supposed to save your life but we knew
there was no way
'Cause when you're going down in the North Atlantic man
it's over
Now about 4 hours into the flight I got a little
nervous 'cause it was still night and I'm on the wing
of the tanker man - and I gotta piss
So I started f*cking with the jaws of death and before
I knew it I was out of breath - pissed off and cursing
and saying to hell with this
And I seriously considered just pissing my pants
I finally got the fly undone and I knew the next part
would be twice as fun trying to get the gopher to pop
on out of his hole
So I thought real hard about naked chicks, lesbians and
porno flicks but none of that worked 'cause he knew
that water was damn cold
I cursed my daddy's name for making me half Polish
I knew that I would need a little help to keep from
pissing all over myself and if I held it any longer I'd
give myself cancer
So in my hour of great despair I offered up a simple
prayer to Jesus hoping that he might answer
And to paraphrase a bit this is what I said

Dear Lord won't you give me a 12 inch penis
Just for an hour or two
I'm stuck in the trenches and I need just a few more
inches
And I'll give 'em back as soon as I am through

Now my faith was strong but my strength was lacking and
I didn't have much time for this miracle to happen so I
thought the best thing to do was just help it along
So I started to pull and it started to pinch and I
thought I might have squeezed out an extra inch but
that sucker was wedged in tighter than your grandma's
thong
I'm sorry folks that was completely uncalled for
So I choked that f*cker like a serial killer - made me
think about that movie - you know, the one with Ben
Stiller where the dude in the back was yelling, "He was
masturbating!" With the other hand I reached for the bag and I tried
to take aim but it was just a wag and I knew my chances
of success they were quickly fading
And at this point I knew it would take an act of
desperation
Now it was too much to hope that I could get it to
dangle - Hell the best I could do was a ninety degree
angle and hook shot that sonafabitch like Doctor J
Now I never really thought about what was ensuing 'til
I realized I couldn't see what the f*ck I was doing and
I paused for a second and I began to pray
Dear Lord, you gotta give me this one

Repeat Chorus

Now just about the time I started to go ol' mister
winky he started to grow and before I knew it he was at
least a foot long
Now up in heaven God got quite a laugh 'cause it kept
on going past a foot and a half and before I knew it I
was holding a 2 foot schlong
Now I know what you're thinking - what the hell is he
going to do with that
That was pretty much the end of my woes since now I had
a Johnson like a fire hose and in fact my whole problem
was completely defused
Now what I did next you might think sleazy but at this
point pissing was just too easy and my newfound powers
- they just had to be used
You know, for fighting the forces of evil and shit
So when it was my turn to refuel I thought it would be
pretty f*cking cool if I did the whole thing with my
hands behind my back
Now you might think that was the ultimate test but the
hardest part was really the ILS 'cause I thought about
your mom and I ended up well off track
Yeah slightly above glide slope and climbing
Now after I landed - that was the trick 'cause what the
hell do you do with two feet of dick but it didn't
matter much 'cause the Lord he came to relieve me
When I tried to put it all back in the cup it looked
like my two hours were up and I thought to myself, "Who
the hell will believe me?"
You can bet for damn sure it ain't going to be my wife

Repeat Chorus

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