The Biggest Aspidistra In The World Lyrics

For years we had an aspidistra in a flower pot,
On the whatnot, near the 'atstand in the 'all.
It didn't seem to grow 'til one day our brother Joe
Had a notion that he'd make it strong and tall.
So he's crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree
And he's planted it against the garden wall.

It shot up like a rocket, 'til it nearly touched the sky,
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world.
We couldn't see the top of it, it got so bloomin' high,
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world.

When father's had a skin-full at his pub, 'The Bunch of Grapes',
He doesn't go all fighting mad and getting into scrapes.
You'll find him in his bear-skin playing Tarzan of the Apes
Up the biggest aspidistra in the world.

We have to get it watered by the local fire brigade,
So they put the water rates up half a Crown.
The roots stuff up the drains, grow along the country lanes
And they came up half a mile outside the town.
Once we hired the Crystal Palace for an hot house, But a jealous rival went and burnt it down.

The tom-cats and the moggies love to spend their evenings out
Up the biggest aspidistra in the world.
They all begin meowing when the buds begin to sprout
Up the biggest aspidistra in the world.

The dogs line up for miles and miles, a funny sight to see.
They sniff around for hours on end and wag their tails with glee.
So I've had to put a notice up to say it's not a tree,
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world.

It's getting worn and weiry and its leaves are turning grey,
It's the oldest aspidistra in the world.
So we water it with half a pint of Guinness every day,
It's the stoutest Aspidistra in the world.

The borough council told us that we've got to chop it down.
It interferes with Aeroplanes that fly above the town.
So we sold it to a wood-yard for a lousy half a Crown,
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world.

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