Ulcerative Colitis Lyrics

I have a complicated relationship with the distal
portion
Of my large intestine, also known as the colon
I started feeling kinda shitty when I turned 23
And then the pain got worse and worse every day
And the days turned into weeks

I finally went to see the doctor and I pooped into a
cup
And then a few weeks after that he stuck this camera up
my butt
The camera was in a tube, and the tube pumped out air
So that my colon could inflate and they could look
around in there

When I woke up the doctor was looking at my chart
I called his attention to me with a fifteen minute fart
He said "Son I hate to tell you cause I know you're not
gonna like this
But they got a name for what you have and it's called
ulcerative colitis

And in those seven syllables there's a mess of shitty
news
It's likely that you've had your last healthy-feeling
poos
It's like road rash on your colon, you'll bleed and
it'll hurt
And no one knows what causes it and there is no cure

And yeah your chances of cancer have gone up a bit
But colon cancer's curable if you keep your eye on it
But mostly what will piss you off is how you're gonna pay
I know you're not insured and you'll probably stay that
way

See insurance companies hate to deal with sick folks
like you
They don't like taking money from folks they might have
to give it back to
And your pills are gonna cost you both your arms and at
least one leg
I suggest you go to Canada and get on your knees and
beg

Because here the costs are as high as the market can
bear
And they can bear a lot compared with soiled underwear"
I laid there on that bed and thought how I used to like
to poo
I thought maybe there was a mistake, how could this be
true

I asked the doctor, pleading, begging if he was really
sure
And if he was how could it be that there really was no
cure
"The only cure we have," he said, "is to take the whole
thing out
And then to get your movements out we install a little
spout"

I told him that I'd rather take a thousand thousand
dollar pills
He agreed and sent me home with some similar sounding
bills
Now really all I've learned, besides the importance of
fiber
Is the health care system's more screwed up than a
fifty year old Fred subscriber

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