String Lyrics

Wapcaplet: Aah, come in, come in, Mr....Simpson. Aaah,
welcome to Mousebat, Follicle, Goosecreature,
Ampersand, Spong, Wapcaplet, Looseliver, Vendetta and
Prang!

Mr. Simpson: Thank you.

Wapcaplet: Do sit down--my name's Wapcaplet, Adrian
Wapcaplet...

Mr. Simpson: how'd'y'do.

Wapcaplet: Now, Mr. Simpson... Simpson, Simpson...
French, is it?

Mr. Simpson: No.

Wapcaplet: Aah. Now, I understand you want us to
advertise your washing powder.

Mr. Simpson: String.

Wapcaplet: String, washing powder, what's the
difference. We can sell anything.

Mr. Simpson: Good. Well I have this large quantity of
string, a hundred and twenty-two thousand miles of it
to be exact, which I inherited, and I thought if I
advertised it--

Wapcaplet: Of course! A national campaign. Useful
stuff, string, no trouble there.

Mr. Simpson: Ah, but there's a snag, you see. Due to
bad planning, the hundred and twenty-two thousand miles
is in three inch lengths. So it's not very useful.

Wapcaplet: Well, that's our selling point! "SIMPSON'S
INDIVIDUAL STRINGETTES!"

Mr. Simpson: What?

Wapcaplet: "THE NOW STRING! READY CUT, EASY TO HANDLE,
SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR STRINGETTES - JUST THE
RIGHT LENGTH!"

Mr. Simpson: For what?

Wapcaplet: Uhmm... "A MILLION HOUSEHOLD USES!"

Mr. Simpson: Such as?

Wapcaplet: Uhmm...Tying up very small parcels,
attatching notes to pigeons' legs, uh, destroying
household pests...

Mr. Simpson: Destroying household pests?! How?

Wapcaplet: Well, if they're bigger than a mouse, you
can strangle them with it, and if they're smaller than,
you flog them to death with it!

Mr. Simpson: Well surely!.... Wapcaplet: "DESTROY NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF KNOWN
HOUSEHOLD PESTS WITH PRE-SLICED, RUSTPROOF, EASY-TO-
HANDLE, LOW CALORIE SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR
STRINGETTES, FREE FROM ARTIFICIAL COLORING, AS USED IN
HOSPITALS!"

Mr. Simpson: 'Ospitals!?!

Wapcaplet: Have you ever in a Hospital where they
didn't have string?

Mr. Simpson: No, but it's only string!

Wapcaplet: ONLY STRING?! It's everything! It's...it's
waterproof!

Mr. Simpson: No it isn't!

Wapcaplet: All right, it's water resistant then!

Mr. Simpson: It isn't!

Wapcaplet: All right, it's water absorbent!
It's...Super Absorbent String! "ABSORB WATER TODAY WITH
SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL WATER ABSORB-A-TEX STRINGETTES!
AWAY WITH FLOODS!"

Mr. Simpson: You just said it was waterproof!

Wapcaplet: "AWAY WITH THE DULL DRUDGERY OF WORKADAY
TIDAL WAVES! USE SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL FLOOD
PREVENTERS!"

Mr. Simpson: You're mad!

Wapcaplet: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Sex, sex sex,
must get sex into it. Wait, I see a television
commercial- There's this nude woman in a bath holding a
bit of your string. That's great, great, but we need a
doctor, got to have a medical opinion. There's a nude
woman in a bath with a doctor--that's too sexy. Put an
archbishop there watching them, that'll take the curse
off it. Now, we need children and animals. There's two
kids admiring the string, and a dog admiring the
archbishop who's blessing the string.
Uhh...international flavor's missing...make the
archbishop Greek Orthodox. Why not Archbishop Macarios?
No, no, he's dead... nevermind, we'll get his brother,
it'll be cheaper... So, there's Archbishop Macarios....

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