The Dead Parrot Lyrics

A customer enters a pet shop.

Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a
complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about
this parrot what I
purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian
Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's
dead, that's what's
wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one,
and I'm looking
at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable
bird, the Norwegian
Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh
cuttle fish for you if
you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO
POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine
o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on
the counter. Throws it up
in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up!
Norwegian Blues
stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad
enough of this.
That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I
purchased it not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was
due to it bein'
tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the
fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is
that?, look, why
did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back!
Remarkable bird, id'nit,
squire? Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot
when I got it home,
and I discovered the only reason that it had been
sitting on its perch in
the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't
nailed that bird down,
it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart
with its beak, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts
through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no
more! He has ceased
to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a
stiff! Bereft
of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to
the perch 'e'd be
pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now
'istory! 'E's off
the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is
mortal coil, run
down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir
invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(pause)

O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the
shop, and uh, we're
right out of parrots.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a slug.

(pause)

C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS
IT?!!???!!?
O: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton,
he'll replace
the parrot for you.
C: Bolton, eh? Very well.

The customer leaves.

The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is
putting on a false
moustache.

C: This is Bolton, is it?
O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for
you.

The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked
"Complaints".

C: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
C: I beg your pardon...?
A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job
because I like
being my own boss!
C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files
out to 200 lines,
you know.
C: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train
and found myself
deposited here in Ipswitch.
A: No, this is Bolton.
C: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was
lying!!
A: Can't blame British Rail for that.
C: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!

He does.

C: I understand this IS Bolton.
O: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
C: You told me it was Ipswitch!
O: ...It was a pun.
C: (pause) A PUN?!?
O: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells
the same backwards
as forwards?
C: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
O: Yeah, that's it!
C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton"
would be "Notlob"!!
It don't work!!
O: Well, what do you want?
C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any
longer as I think
this is getting too silly!

Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly,
far too silly...

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