Who's Crazy My Psychopharmacologist And I Lyrics

DAN
Who's crazy, the husband or wife
Who's crazy, to live their whole life
Believing that some things aren't as bizarre as they are

Who's crazy, the one who can't cope
Or maybe, the one who'll still hope
The one who sees doctors, or the one who just waits in the car

And I was a wild twenty-five
And I loved a wife so alive
But now I believe I would settle for one who can drive

DR. FINE (spoken)
The round blue ones with food, but not with the oblong white ones. The white ones with the round yellow ones, but not with the trapezoidal green ones. Split the green ones into thirds with a tiny chisel. Use a mortar and pestle to grind...

DIANA
My psychopharmacologist and I
It's like an odd romance
Intense and very intimate
We do our dance

My psychopharmacologist and I
Call it a lover's game
He knows my deepest secrets
I know his name

And though he'll never hold me
He'll always take my calls
It's truly like he told me
Without a little lift, the ballerina falls

VOICES-Dan, Natalie, Gabe, Henry
[Scatting in the background]

DR. FINE (spoken)
Goodman, Diana: bipolar depressive with delusional episodes. Sixteen year history of medication. Adjustment after one week.

DIANA (spoken)
I've got less anxiety, but I have headaches, blurry vision, and I can't feel my toes.

DR. FINE (spoken)
So, we'll try again, and eventually we'll get it right.

DIANA (spoken)
Not a very exact science, is it?

VOICES
Zoloft and Paxil and Buspar and Xanax
Depakote, Klonopin, Ambien, Prozac
Atavan calms me when I see the bills
These are a few of my favourite pills

DIANA (spoken)
Ooh, thank you, Doctor. Valium is my favourite colour.... how'd you know?

DR. FINE (spoken)
Goodman, Diana: second adjustment after three weeks. Delusions less frequent, but depressive state worse.

DIANA (spoken)
I'm nauseous and I'm constipated. I've completely lost my appetite and gained six pounds, which, you know... is just not fair.

VOICES, DIANA, DR. FINE
May cause the following side effects one or more Dizziness, drowsiness, sexual dysfunction

DIANA, DR. FINE, NATALIE
Headaches and tremors and nightmares and seizures

DAN, GABE, HENRY (overlapping)
Diarrhea, constipation, nervous laughter, palpitations

DIANA, DR. FINE, VOICES
Anxiousness, anger, exhaustion, insomnia, irritability, nausea, vomiting

DIANA
Odd and alarming sexual feelings

DIANA, DR. FINE, VOICES
Oh, and one last thing:

DR. FINE
Use may be fatal....

GABE
Use may be fatal....

DAN
Use may be fatal....

DR. FINE (spoken)
Goodman, Diana: third adjustment after five weeks. Reports continued, mild anxiety and some lingering depression.

DIANA (spoken)
I now can't feel my fingers or my toes. I sweat profusely for no reason. Fortunately, I have absolutely no desire for sex. Although whether that's the medicine or the marriage is anybody's guess.

DR. FINE (spoken)
I'm sure it's the medicine.

DIANA (spoken)
Oh, thank you, that's very sweet... but my husband is waiting in the car.

DAN
Who's crazy, the one who's half gone
Or maybe, the one who holds on
Remembering when she was twenty and brilliant and bold
And I was so young
And so dumb
And now I am old

DIANA
And though he'll never hold me
He'll always take my calls
It's truly like he told me
Without a little lift, the ballerina falls

My psychopharmacologist and I
Together side by side
Without him I'd die
My psychopharmacologist and I

DAN (overlapping)
And she was wicked and wired
The sex was simply inspired
Now there's no sex, she's depressed, and me I'm just tired
Tired
Tired
Tired

Who's crazy, the one who's uncured
Or maybe, the one who's endured
The one who has treatments or the one who just lives with the pain

DAN
They say love is blind
But believe me
Love is insane

DR. FINE (spoken)
Goodman, Diana: seven weeks.

DIANA (spoken)
I don't feel like myself. I mean, I don't feel anything....

DR. FINE (spoken)
Hm. Patient stable.

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