Vladimir Goes To Havana Lyrics

Vladimir Andropyournosin, veteran of the Soviet
campaign for the liberation of the peoples of
Afghanistan, after a period of convalescence in the
German Democratic Republic, sat up in his hospital bed
on a brisk February morning, put down the newspaper he
was reading and rang the assistance bell next to his
pillow.
The uniformed nurse arrived and supplied Vladimir with
writing paper, a pen and an envelope.
Vladimir wrote
"To the advisory board for the Development of cultural
visits to sympathetic States.
Dear Sirs, I have just read in last Septembers issue of
Pravda that Doctor Mikhail Buggerovski, a colleague
from the days of my lectureship at Moscow University,
has been appointed as Scientific Advisor to the Soviet
Delegation in Cuba for the promotion of soil mechanics
at the research institute there.
Having survived the campaign of Afghanistan I am
requesting that I continue my convalescence visiting Dr
Buggerovski, assisting him in his work in Havana, for a
period of time which the board deems fit.
Yours faithfully, comrade Andropyournosin."

Methodically he folded the letter, placed it in the
envelope, sealed it and addressed it.
Six weeks later Vladimir was standing on the deck of
the SS Ivanitch, a black sea tourist cruiser disguised
as a missile carrying cargo vessel to deceive the
Americans.
Waiting at the foot of the gangplank was Mikhail
Vladerovsky.
Immediately they went to a bar and drank several ice
cold Slivovitzes to toast each others health.
Mikhail outlined his work in Havana, a research project
he had initiated there and the success he had achieved.
In fact, it had been rumoured that he would receive a
medal of honour from the Kremlin itself.
The more he heard the more enthusiastic Vladimir
became, and he slept soundly that night, eagerly
awaiting the start of his new appointment the next day.
It was after the first week that Vladimir met Christos. One evening he was strolling in the humid streets of
Havana when he stopped for a night-cap in one of
several bars that lined the streets.
Christos sat there, proud, manly and astonishingly good
looking,
but with a boyish look about him and a vulnerability
that appealed to Vladimir.
Before even realising it Vladimir was in conversation
with him using a crude mixture of sign language and
broken English and Spanish.
After about an hour, Vladimir realised there had been
something missing in his stay in Havana : Fun with a
big 'F'.
It wasn't that he didn't find Christos attractive -
everyone did - but Vladimir had been cured of that
illness, back home in the Soviet Union.
"many thanks to the Party that cares for its people" he
thought.
However there seemed to be a new kind of energy in this
bar.
People were talking non stop; their eyes seemed full of
intensity.
After several hours Christos signalled for Vladimir to
follow him into an adjacent room.
Christos then took out a big plastic bag containing
white powder.
He shovelled a spoonful up his nose while inhaling
strongly, then signalled for the perplexed Vladimir to
do the same.
Suddenly everything became clear. Why of course, this
was why there was so much sugar cane on the island,
this was why everyone in the bar looked alert and
intense, because they were sniffing the refined sugar,
which gives you energy.
Christos winked, pointing to a bag of white powder.
"This is the reason we must get to Miami".
Vladimir pretended to understand, "but in order to get
there we must be criminals and, or social undesirables,
to benefit from a scheme set up by the American
president, which our president is going to take full
advantage of - ha ha ha!
- and so will we. You could say it is a foreign 'aids'
programme! ha ha ha!

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