Wish I Couldn't Read Her Mind Lyrics

We are at the opera, but she don't like the opera,
But I love the opera, and she loves me.
Vikings in leotards, sixty-year-old teens,
And a German Godzilla all sing off-key.
She'd rather hear the Mormon Tabernacle doing
Whitesnake*,
The threading of the plot, she cannot unwind,
But we are at the opera, because I love the opera,
I wish I couldn't read her mind.

("This goes on for three-and-a-half hours? And not one
sing-along?")

We are with my ex-wife, she doesn't like my ex-wife,
But I'm friends with my ex-wife, and she loves me.
She feels like a combination prostitute and pirate,
And wishes my ex-wife was more ugly.
She's guilty 'cause she knows we'd never get back
together,
But if we'd broken badly she would not be in this bind,
She doesn't want to take the chance that she might like
my ex-wife,
I wish I couldn't read her mind.

("Gee, she's really kinda nice. I wonder why he broke
up with her?
... It was him who broke up with her, right?")

Whoever thinks telepathy is wonderfully mystic
Is celibate, misogynist, and maybe masochistic.
I always have to filter through and translate double
meanings,
And what it's done to my love life gives me hermetic
leanings.

Here we are, we're making it, but she is merely taking it,
My lady love is faking it, 'cause she loves me.
I am doing everything to make her go crazy,
But she'd rather be watching her MTV.
It's not that she's uninterested, or even non-orgasmic,
She worries for my feelings, but... am I that blind?
We are always making it, and she is always faking it!
I wish I couldn't read her mind.

("Ohh, God, this is wonderful. I guess."**)

So if I'm looking tired, and you feel inspired
To figure how my brain is wired, go right ahead.
I am so fed up with knowing all of her secrets
(And if she knew that I knew, we'd both be dead).
I'd like to find a woman who just tells me what she's
thinking,
Who doesn't feel she has to lie just to be kind,
So if you're out there listening, I'm looking for love,
And the catch is, I can read your mind --
I sure hope you won't mind.

("You know, the fact that you always know what I'm
going to say next --")

-- really gets on your nerves....

* Other possible lines include:
... Madonna and Sinatra do the Bee Gees
... The Beatles as performed by Willie Nelson
... Fred Schneider and Drew Carey doing 'N Sync
... or whatever unlikely groups scan to the line

** Alternate, suggested by Leslie Larkins:
"Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

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