Did I Ever Tell You About The Man That Taught His Asshole To Talk Lyrics

Did I ever tell you about the man who taught his
asshole to talk? His whole abdomen would move up and
down you dig farting out the words. It was unlike
anything I ever heard.

This ass talk had sort of a gut frequency. It hit you
right down there like you gotta go. You know when the
old colon gives you the elbow and it feels sorta cold
inside, and you know all you have to do is turn loose?
Well this talking hit you right down there, a bubbly,
thick stagnant sound, a sound you could smell.

This man worked for a carnival you dig, and to start
with it was like a novelty ventriliquist act. Real
funny, too, at first. He had a number he called “The
Better ‘Ole” that was a scream, I tell you. I forget
most of it but it was clever. Like, “Oh I say, are you
still down there, old thing?”

“Nah I had to go relieve myself.”

After a while the ass start talking on its own. He
would go in without anything prepared and his ass would
ad-lib and toss the gags back at him every time.

Then it developed sort of teeth-like little raspy in-
curving hooks and started eating. He thought this was
cute at first and built an act around it, but the
asshole would eat its way through his pants and start
talking on the street, shouting out it wanted equal
rights. It would get drunk, too, and have crying jags
nobody loved it and it wanted to be kissed same as any
other mouth. Finally it talked all the time day and
night, you could hear him for blocks screaming at it to shut up, and beating it with his fist, and sticking
candles up it, but nothing did any good and the asshole
said to him: “It’s you who will shut up in the end. Not
me. Because we dont need you around here any more. I
can talk and eat and shit.”

After that he began waking up in the morning with a
transparent jelly like a tadpole’s tail all over his
mouth. This jelly was what the scientists call un-D.T.,
Undifferentiated Tissue, which can grow into any kind
of flesh on the human body. He would tear it off his
mouth and the pieces would stick to his hands like
burning gasoline jelly and grow there, grow anywhere on
him a glob of it fell. So finally his mouth sealed
over, and the whole head would have have amputated
spontaneous — (did you know there is a condition occurs
in parts of Africa and only among Negroes where the
little toe amputates spontaneously?) — except for the
eyes you dig. Thats one thing the asshole couldn’t do
was see. It needed the eyes. But nerve connections were
blocked and infiltrated and atrophied so the brain
couldn’t give orders any more. It was trapped in the
skull, sealed off. For a while you could see the
silent, helpless suffering of the brain behind the
eyes, then finally the brain must have died, because
the eyes went out, and there was no more feeling in
them than a crab’s eyes on the end of a stalk.

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