Argument Lyrics

Man: Eh, I'd like to have an argument, please.

Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here
before?

Man: No, I haven't, this is my first time.

Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have just one
argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?

Man: Well, what is the cost?

Receptionist: Well, it's one pound for a five-minute
argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.

Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps
started of with just the one, and then see how it goes.

Receptionist: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the
moment. Mr. Du-Bakey's free, but he's a little bit
conciliatory. Ah, yes, try Mr. Barnard, room 12.

Man: Thank you.

He enters room 12.

Mr. Barnard: WHADDAYOU WANT?

Man: Well, I was told outside that...

Mr. Barnard: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP
OF PARROT DROPPINGS!

Man: What?

Mr. Barnard: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR
TYPE REALLY MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS TOFFEE-NOSED
MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!

Man: Look, I came here for an argument! I'm not just
going to stand here...

Mr. Barnard: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!

Man: Oh I see! Well, that explains it...

Mr. Barnard: Aha! No, you want room 12A, just along the
corridor.

Man: Oh...Thank you very much...Sorry...

Mr. Barnard: Not at all!

Man: Thank you. (Leaves)

Mr. Barnard: (under his breath) Stupid git.
The man knocks at the door to room 12A.

Mr. Vibrating: Come in.

Man: Is this the right room for an argument?

Mr. Vibrating: I've told you once.

Man: No you haven't!

Mr. Vibrating: Yes I have.

Man: When?

Mr. Vibrating: Just now.

Man: No you didn't!

Mr. Vibrating: I did!

Man: Didn't!

Mr. Vibrating: Did!

Man: Didn't!

Mr. Vibrating: I'm telling you, I did!

Man: You did not!

Mr. Vibrating: Oh I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a
five minute argument, or the full half hour?

Man: Ah! Just the five minutes.

Mr. Vibrating: Ah, thank you.
Anyway, I did.

Man: You most certainly did not!

Mr. Vibrating: Look, let's get this thing clear: I
quite definitely told you!

Man: No you did not!

Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did!

Man: No you didn't!

Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did!

Man: No you didn't!

Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did!

Man: No you didn't!

Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did!

Man: You didn't!

Mr. Vibrating: Did!

Man: Oh look, this isn't an argument!

Mr. Vibrating: Yes it is!

Man: No it isn't! It's just contradiction!

Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't!

Man: It IS!

Mr. Vibrating: It is NOT!

Man: Look, you just contradicted me!

Mr. Vibrating: I did not!

Man: Oh, you DID!

Mr. Vibrating: No no no!

Man: You did just then!

Mr. Vibrating: Nonsense!

Man: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!

Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't!

Man: I came here for a good argument!

Mr. Vibrating: No you didn't, no, you came here for an
argument!

Man: An argument isn't just contradiction.

Mr. Vibrating: CAN be!

Man: No it can't! An argument is a connected series of
statements intended to establish a proposition. Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't!

Man: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.

Mr. Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take
up a contrary position!

Man: Yes but that's not just saying "no it isn't".

Mr. Vibrating: Yes it is!

Man: No it isn't! Argument is an intellectual process.
Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any
statement the other person makes.

Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't.

Man: Yes it is!

Mr. Vibrating: Not at all!

Man: Now look...

Mr. Vibrating: (Hits a bell on his desk) [DING] Good
morning!

Man: (stunned) What?

Mr. Vibrating: That's it. Good morning.

Man: But I was just getting interested!

Mr. Vibrating: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.

Man: That was never five minutes!!

Mr. Vibrating: I'm afraid it was.

Man: It wasn't...

Mr. Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue
any more.

Man: WHAT??

Mr. Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll
have to pay for another five minutes.

Man: Yes, but that was never five minutes just now! Oh
Come on!

Mr. Vibrating: (Hums to himself.)

Man: Look this is ridiculous!

Mr. Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue
unless you've paid!

Man: Oh all right. (Pays.)

Mr. Vibrating: Thank you.

Man: Well...

Mr. Vibrating: Well WHAT?

Man: That wasn't really five minutes just now.

Mr. Vibrating: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue
unless you've paid!

Man: Well I just paid!

Mr. Vibrating: No you didn't!

Man: I DID!!!

Mr. Vibrating: No you didn't!

Man: Look, I don't want to argue about that!

Mr. Vibrating: Well, you didn't pay!

Man: Ah HAH!! If I didn't pay, why are you arguing???
I've got you.

Mr. Vibrating: No you haven't!

Man: Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must have paid.

Mr. Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in
my spare time.

Man: Oh, I have had enough of this.

Mr. Vibrating: No, you haven't.

Man: Oh, shut up!

(He leaves and sees a door marked complaints; he goes
in)

Man: I want to complain.

Man in Charge: YOU want to complain...look at these
shoes...I've only had them three weeks and the heels
are worn right through.

Man: No, I want to complain about...

Man in Charge: If you complain nothing happens...you
might as well not bother. My back hurts and the middel
of such a fine day and I'm sick and tired of this
office...
(The man exits, walks down the corridor and enters a
room)

Man: Hello, I want to (smack) OHHH!

Spreaders: No, no, no, hold your head like this, then
go 'waaagh'! Try it again.

Man: Woogh!

Spreaders: Better. Better. But 'waaaaagh'! 'Waaaagh'!
Put your hand there...

Man: No!

Spreaders: Now. (Hits him)

Man: Waagh!

Spreaders: Good, good, that's it!

Man: Stop hitting me.

Spreaders: What?

Man: Stop hitting me.

Spreaders: Stop hitting you?

Man: Yes.

Spreaders: Why do you come in here, then?

Man: I wanted to complain.

Spreaders: Oh, no, that's next door. It's being hit on
the head lessons in here.

Man: What a stupid concept.

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