Travel Agent Lyrics

Announcer: And now, here is a magnificent recording
made in the Wide Valley, of an ordinary travel agents
office. Note the huge-breasted typist in the
background.

Smoketoomuch: Good morning.

Secretary: Oh, good morning. (sexily) Uhm, do you want
to come upstairs?

Smoketoomuch: Beg your pardon?

Secretary: (sexily) Do you want to come upstairs?
(brightly) Oh, or have you come to arrange a holiday?

Smoketoomuch: Uuh..to...to arrange a holiday.

Secretary: Oh, sorry.

Smoketoomuch: What's all this about coming upstairs?

Secretary: Oh, nothing, nothing. Now, where were you
thinking of going?

Smoketoomuch: India.

Secretary: Ah, one of our adventure holidays.

Smoketoomuch: Yes.

Secretary: Well, you'd better see Mr. Bounder about
that. Uh, Mr. Bounder, this gentleman is interested in
the "India Overland".

Bounder: Morning, I'm Bounder of Adventure.

Smoketoomuch: Hello, I'm Smoketoomuch.

Bounder: Well, you'd better cut down a little then.

Smoketoomuch: I'm sorry?

Bounder: You'd better cut down a little then.

Smoketoomuch: Oh, I see! Smoke too much so I'd better
cut down a little then!

Bounder: Yes, ha ha... I expect you get people making
jokes about your name all the time, eh?

Smoketoomuch: No, I never noticed it before.
Bounder: So, you are interested in one of our adventure
holidays, are you?

Smoketoomuch: Yes, I saw your advert in the bolour
supplement.

Bounder: The what?

Smoketoomuch: The bolour supplement.

Bounder: The colour supplement.

Smoketoomuch: Yes, I'm sorry, I can't say the letter
'B'.

Bounder: C?

Smoketoomuch: Yes, that's right. It's all due to a
trauma I suffered when I was a sboolboy. I was attacked
by a bat.

Bounder: A cat?

Smoketoomuch: No, a bat.

Bounder: Oh...can you say the letter 'K'?

Smoketoomuch: Oh, yes. Khaki, kind, kettle, Kipling,
kipper, Kuwait, Keble Bollege Oxford.

Bounder: Yes, yes but why don't you use the letter 'K'
instead of the letter 'C'?

Smoketoomuch: What, spell bolour with a 'K'?

Bounder: Yes!

Smoketoomuch: Kolour!
Oh, thank you! I never thought of that. What a silly
bunt.

Bounder: Anyway, about the holiday...

Smoketoomuch: Well, yes, I've been on package tours
many times, so your advert really bought my eye.

Bounder: Ah good.

Smoketoomuch: Yes, you're quite right, I'm fed up with
being treated like a sheep, I mean what's the point of
going abroad if you're just another tourist carted
round in buses, surrounded by sweaty, mindless oafs
from Kettering and Boventry...

Bounder: Absolutel..

Smoketoomuch: ...in their cloth caps and their
cardigans and their transistor radios and their 'Sunday
Mirrors', complaining about the tea, 'Oh they don't
make it properly here do they not like at home'
stopping at Majorcan bodegas, selling fish and chips
and Watney's Red Barrel and calamares and two veg...

Bounder: Yes.

Smoketoomuch: ...and sitting in their cotton sun frocks squirting Timothy White's suncream all over their puffy
raw swollen purulent flesh...

Bounder: Yes.

Smoketoomuch: ...cos they 'overdid it on the first
day'! And being herded into endless Hotel Miramars and
Bellevueses and Bontinentals...

Bounder: Yes, yes...

Smoketoomuch: ...with their modern international luxury
roomettes and draft Red Barrel and swimmingpools...

Bounder: Yes.

Smoketoomuch: ...full of fat German businessmen
pretending they're acrobats, forming pyramids and
frightening the children and barging in the queues and
if you're not at your table spot on seven you miss the
bowl of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup,...

Bounder: Shut up.

Smoketoomuch: ...the first item on the menu of
International Cuisine,...
Bounder: Shut up, please!

Smoketoomuch: ...and every Thursday night the hotel is
a bloody cabaret in the bar featuring a tiny emaciated
dago...

Bounder: Please, will you shut up.

Smoketoomuch: ...with nine-inch hips and some bloated
fat tart with her hair Brylcreemed down and a big arse
presenting Flamenco for Foreigners.

Bounder: Shut up!

Smoketoomuch: And adenoidal typists from Birmingham
with flabby white legs and diarrhoea trying to pick up
hairy...

Bounder: Please..

Smoketoomuch: ...bandy-legged wop waiters called
Manuel,...

Bounder: ..shut up!
Smoketoomuch: ...and once a week there's an excursion
to the local Roman ruins to buy cherryade and melted
ice cream...

Bounder: I can't bear it!

Smoketoomuch: ...and bleedin' Watney's Red Barrel, and
one evening you visit the so-called typical restaurant
with local colour...

Bounder: Shaddap!

Smoketoomuch: ...and atmosphere and you sit next to a
party of people from Rhyl who keeps singing
'Torremolinos, Torremolinos', and complaining about the
food, 'It's so greasy here isn't it!' and you get
cornered by some drunken greengrocer from Luton with an
Instamatic and Dr Scholl sandals and Tuesday's 'Daily
Express' and he drones on and on and on about how Mr
Smith should be running this country and how many...

Bounder: Stop it, please.

Smoketoomuch: ...languages Enoch Powell can speak and
then he throws up all over the Cuba Libres.

Bounder: Will you be quiet please.

Smoketoomuch: And sending tinted postcards of places
they don't realise they haven't even visited, 'to
all...

Bounder: Shut up

Smoketoomuch: ...at number 22, weather wonderful...
Bounder: PLEASE, SHUT UP!

Smoketoomuch: ...our room is marked with an "X". Food
very greasy but we found a charming...

Bounder: Take it off! TAKE IT OFF!

Smoketoomuch: ...little place hidden away in the back
streets, where they serve Watney's Red Barrel and
cheese and onion...

Bounder: For God's sake, take it off. TAKE IT OFF!!!

Smoketoomuch: ...crisps and the accordionist plays
"Maybe its because I'm a Londoner"'...
(Sound of pick-up skating across record)

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